empty hands

list of things i need to accomplish soon:

clean my house
get some rest
discern who my real friends are
eat
stop smoking
go on a bike ride
try and make it up to him
stop cutting my hair
find some one to play music with
figure out some way to still hate you but move on

i dont think that last one will work. i think im just going to have to forgive you someday. but for now, that is at the fucking bottom of my list. to be honest i dont think about it too much. i am just proud of myself that i am building my own life with my own friends and staying busy. i have endless possibilities from this point. i can take my life in any direction! thats really exciting, actually. i just have to focus on my rebirth instead of the death of my old life.

i wonder who still reads this. i just remembered when we were at my uncle's house and we walked down the hill to the bonfire. i sang that one song in your ear as we hugged. i remembered all the words and we both had tears in our eyes. i dont know know why that popped in my head. i dont know why now. i hope i can forget about that someday and never have it come back up again. memories like that cripple me.

everything is unfamiliar. everything has changed. an eight year failure. i can only breath in and then out. i wanted to fill the empty drawers in the dresser with something but i cant think of what to put in them. guess they will remain empty until i figure some things out. i can only hate you now. but im separating myself from an old life and learning to be at peace even when i feel lost. this time i know its different. i heard the last breath of hope that morning. its been still ever since. the death of a dream, a love, a family, a reason, a part of me. and rebirth, falling backwards into the unknown. i wish you could've realized what i was worth.

your'e not my one person.
your'e just somebody that i used to know.

Time.com has a lengthy article that basically sums up the key points made in The Omnivore’s Dilemma and “Food, Inc.” I doubt I’ve ever seen such a strongly-worded critique of factory farming published by the major media. Check out the lead paragraph:

Somewhere in Iowa, a pig is being raised in a confined pen, packed in so tightly with other swine that their curly tails have been chopped off so they won’t bite one another. To prevent him from getting sick in such close quarters, he is dosed with antibiotics. The waste produced by the pig and his thousands of pen mates on the factory farm where they live goes into manure lagoons that blanket neighboring communities with air pollution and a stomach-churning stench. He’s fed on American corn that was grown with the help of government subsidies and millions of tons of chemical fertilizer. When the pig is slaughtered, at about 5 months of age, he’ll become sausage or bacon that will sell cheap, feeding an American addiction to meat that has contributed to an obesity epidemic currently afflicting more than two-thirds of the population. And when the rains come, the excess fertilizer that coaxed so much corn from the ground will be washed into the Mississippi River and down into the Gulf of Mexico, where it will help kill fish for miles and miles around. That’s the state of your bacon — circa 2009.

And there’s more:

In CAFOs, large numbers of animals — 1,000 or more in the case of cattle and tens of thousands for chicken and pigs — are kept in close, concentrated conditions and fattened up for slaughter as fast as possible, contributing to efficiencies of scale and thus lower prices. But animals aren’t widgets with legs. They’re living creatures, and there are consequences to packing them in prison-like conditions.

Next up, a nicely phrased slam of veterinary antibiotic use, from Representative Louise Slaughter:

These antibiotics are not given to sick animals. It’s a preventive measure because they are kept in pretty unspeakable conditions.

There’s no mention of going vegetarian or vegan, but the article does end by calling for Americans to rethink their meat-based diets:

What we really need to do is something Americans have never done well, and that’s to quit thinking big. We already eat four times as much meat and dairy as the rest of the world, and there’s not a nutritionist on the planet who would argue that 24‑oz. steaks and mounds of buttery mashed potatoes are what any person needs to stay alive. “The idea is that healthy and good-tasting food should be available to everyone,” says Hahn Niman. “The food system should be geared toward that.”

i got a new phone and forgot all about the poems i wrote on my old one and now they are gone forever. fuck! i hate losing poems or songs more than anything. one more thing lost that i will never get back. cool.

and, i didnt do my taxes and i dont give a shit.

oh, what did i do last night you ask?( just pretend you asked) oh nothing really, just went to the appleseed cast show at the high noon, then hung out with the band afterwards at their hotel and cut the bassists hair, thats all.

go to www.fightFOCA.com to see what the freedom of choice act is and how it will legalize a bunch of bullshit including partial birth abortion. then if you want to do something about it you can sign the petition.

so... i was going to post the pictures of partial birth abortions i googled on here, but 1) i couldnt look at them for more than 5 seconds without crying hysterically for about two hours, and 2) i would never want to spring a picture like that on anyone, whoever looks at this. but if you have the curiosity, i encourage you to. to see what might just become legal again in this country. its like the FUCKING HOLOCAUST.

and there is no reason for it ever to be used. except if your a piece of shit and dont want a kid with a deformity or down syndrome. the people who have these types of abortions are the people who want kids, but perfectones, so they test for these imperfections, and if they come up positive for any of them, they deliver half of their baby, stick a 7 inch scissors in the base of its skull, suck its brains out and crush the babys head with a forceps. all in side of your womb. you feel your precious babies head pop like a god damn pop can in your uterus. your babys legs go limp onto the outside of you. then your dead baby is pulled out of you in pieces right in front of you. no wonder 92% of mothers and 82% of fathers are depressed after this event. about a third split up. but i guess now you can try again for that perfect baby.

sometimes i honestly wish that the whole worlddidnt even exist when i think of what we do to our precious babies.

go google that shit.

i have decided, no more free hair cuts. none. im going to charge twenty bucks for a cut, more for color but it will vary obviously. im not being mean, it just at the end of the day i have to buy diapers and you dont.

so i work at a beauty supply store called aerial. we used to be located in a strip mall that had mostly mexican stores and one ghetto clothing store where mostly black guys shopped at. so our store moved last week. but aerial obviously didnt do their homework because next to us in the new strip mall is a church that also is a homeless shelter! so the "problem" is way worse here! haha aerial, thats what you get. you should here some of the racist things that come out of the white women that shop here. just one of the reasons i hate my job. i feel like i need to make a big change and live way differently or i might just explode. i want to live deliberately.

FUCK EVERYTHING TODAY.
AND YESTERDAY.

don't you hate the moment where you realize you dated someone who is pathetic? im so embarrassed. what a fucking waste of my time.

i am for sure getting satyagraha tattoed on me sometime soon. hopefully. its a term gandhi coined meaning the firmness of truth. it directly correlates to his non-violent resistance concept. i've had a full-blown epiphany tonight. i don't want to go into it fully, but this book i'm reading is called 'myth of a christian nation' by gregory a. boyd, and a line in the book as well as many other lines, struck me like a brick in the face. it says "understood in their original context, these teachings do not tell us to allow people to abuse us, as though we are to love our enemies but not ourselves. to the contrary, jesus is giving us a way by which we can keep from being defined by those who act unjustly towards us." you let hatred define you if you react to it. the whole book is that intense. i'm starting to understand it all, and i'm starting to be free from all this hatred that i've let define me for as long as i can remember. i am at peace tonight.

every time i talk i never feel like i get out what i'm trying to say. everytime i get to where i'm going i get an itch to leave. maybe i'll find what i'm looking for wherever i'm about to be. i don't know a single soul who thinks like i do, or is in the same weird in between where i am. i want a home. some where i feel safe. i want what i've always wanted. i want to be everything to someone. if i could just get out what i was trying to say.

does anyone have any old 1997 pictures with me in them? i have none.

June 2, 2008 -- Long-term marijuana use may actually shrink certain parts of the brain and have lasting effects on mental health.

A new study shows heavy marijuana use over several years was associated with structural differences in at least two different regions of the brain, the hippocampus and amygdala.

Researchers found that the hippocampus, which is thought to regulate memory, was an average of 12% smaller among marijuana users, compared with people who didn't smoke pot. The amygdala, involved in emotion and memory, was an average of 7% smaller.

The study also suggests that long-term marijuana users were more likely to report symptoms associated with mental disorders, although the strength of their symptoms didn't meet the criteria for diagnosis of mental illness.

Smoking Pot May Go to Your Head
Researchers say there is conflicting evidence regarding the long-term effects of marijuana use on the brain.

"Although growing literature suggests that long-term cannabis use is associated with a wide range of adverse health consequences, many people in the community, as well as cannabis users themselves, believe that cannabis is relatively harmless and should be legally available," writes researcher Murat Yucel, PhD, of ORYGEN Research Centre the University of Melbourne in Australia, and colleagues in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

"With nearly 15 million Americans using cannabis in a given month, 3.4 million using cannabis daily for 12 months or more and 2.1 million commencing use every year, there is a clear need to conduct robust investigations that elucidate the long-term sequelae of long-term cannabis use," they write.

In the study, researchers used high-resolution magnetic resonance imaging to compare the brain structure of 15 men who smoked more than five joints of marijuana daily for more than 10 years with images from 16 men who did not smoke pot.

The participants also took a verbal memory test and were evaluated for symptoms of mental disorders.

The results showed men who smoked pot regularly had significantly lower brain tissue volumes in the hippocampus and amygdala areas, as well as more symptoms of mental disorders.

Researchers say marijuana users also performed significantly worse on the verbal learning test, but these differences did not correlate with brain volumes in either group.

"There is ongoing controversy concerning the long-term effects of cannabis on the brain," write the researchers. "Although modest use may not lead to significant neurotoxic effects, these results suggest that heavy daily use might indeed be toxic to human brain tissue."

i get home and my cat smacks is dead. then i go to leave and my car is dead. later at nathan's, i step in dog shit with my shoes. then i step in the dog's water dish with my socks.

and the last time i saw my kitty, she wanted to come in and i didn't let her in the house. i feel responsible.

pictures from california when we were recording, and some others off my old phone.

my cell phone got shut off today forever. i guess i was costing t-mobile too much money by roaming in wisconsin all the time, since i had free roaming and all. so they sent me a letter saying they are dropping me from their network. i must have been really breaking the bank for them. and to make everything worse my house phone doesn't call long distance. fuck.
my house number- 608-846-9757. please call me since i can't call you.

you make me sick
you make it hurt so bad to love
i want to drain these feelings from my heart
somehow pull the plug
those poison words she wrote for you
sit and rot inside my head
i want to puke my fucking guts out
to take my mind off of them.

she's a fucking plague
that crawled into my bed
and took you with her
when she rolled out of it
she pushed her naked body on yours
and whispered, "god is dead,
but if he wasn't i'd tell him
how good it feels to sin."

the devil's spell was broken
and you show up at my door
you say it's over, you hate her,
and there's nothing for you there
thirteen months of silence
now your sleeping on my floor
an empty shell of a boy
who got caught up in her snare.

her devil mouth, her devil tongue
her devil words from devil lungs
you can say "god just don't exist"
but the devil's across the room
blowing you a kiss
the devil's got your tongue
tight between her lips
the devils got her legs
wrapped around your hips
your'e fucking blind 'cause
you choose to be
because ignorance is bliss.